The Flip Side of Despair
The Flip side of despair might be grateful
“That’s the thing about unhappiness. All it takes is for something worse to come along… and you realize it was actually happiness after all.”
In the series, The Crown, there is a heart-wrenching scene where Queen Elizabeth and her mother are watching the TV coverage of JFK’s assassination. Prior to the tragedy, Jackie had been to visit the Queen and had seemed sad. The queen's mother asked about Jackie’s unhappiness and Queen Elizabeth responds…
Despair vs. Happy All along?
This scene touched me deeply. It reminds me of how complex unhappiness is and that contentment is really more within our reach than we realize. In many ways the relationship between gratitude and unhappiness is one that we often ignore; our focus is misguided.
Are we distracted from the good stuff?
So often most of what gets our attention is what is missing from our lives. In many ways, it distracts us from all the things we already have. Like the above quote from The Crown, it is often when we lose something, that we are reminded we were satisfied all along.
Chasing the Big Stuff
Typically, we spend most of our time and energy chasing after the big stuff that we often forget, it is the little things that give us the most comfort and pleasure. Often the more we try to chase gratitude the more it escapes us. Like something hidden in plain sight.
That’s because we forget that gratitude practice is something we have to work at. Like going to the gym after a long absence, we have to start slow and stay consistent. Our brains are used to finding what is wrong with life, not what is right. This retraining of our brains takes time and effort.
Below is a list of ideas to jumpstart your Gratitude workout. If you don’t see one on the list that interests you, no worries. It’s ok to be skeptical. You can start by noticing when the unhappiness is less present. That can be a good place to start.
“Happiness is a quality of the soul not a function of one’s material circumstances”
Gratitude Exercises
Gratitude Journal - Pick out a journal that inspires you and at the end of each day write three things you are grateful for. Try not to repeat them. Anything that comes up for you jot down.
Gratitude Jar - Are you crafty? It might be fun to decorate an old container and make it your Gratitude Jar. Set some post-it notes next to the jar. Once a day, jot down something you are grateful for, fold the paper, and put it in the jar (“I’m thankful for ___, because ___”). When you are feeling sad, take the jar and read the papers. They can remind you of things that are available for more pleasure in your day.
Affirmation - I love short quotes. Sometimes when my thoughts get self-critical and I find myself stuck in that constant loop of negative thinking, I trade the thought for a quote. Some ideas maybe - “I can get through this”, “Everything will be ok”, “I matter”, “I accept who I am”, “today will be a good day”.
Vision Board - A vision/dream board is a collage of images, and quotes of your dreams and desires. It serves as a source of inspiration and motivation. You can cut out magazine words and pictures and paste them on a cardboard background. Keep it close as a reminder of what matters to you.
Virtual Vision Board - On your phone (apps) or social media (Pinterest) create a virtual vision board. Once a day, play some of your favorite music and add to or review it for inspiration.
Gratitude Journal App - Try this free app with several gratitude challenges. It will prompt you with set reminders to jot down what you are grateful for. Click here!
Gratitude Letter - Write a gratitude letter to someone who influenced you. Feel free to save it or send it. Can’t think of anyone? That’s ok, write to yourself, the universe, your pet, anything that brings up a feeling of gratefulness will do.
Guided meditation - Try a guided meditation that focuses on gratitude. Here is one by Tara Brach - Click Here!
Gratitude bingo - Why not share the fun with others. Try this gratitude bingo with a friend or family member. Click Here!
Savoring - When you find yourself feeling positive emotions… stop and soak it all in. Use your five senses to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the experience. Make it last in your mind, and honor it.
These ideas may sound fun or a little cheesy. The truth is, there is brain science behind gratitude. Research has found that when we express gratitude the brain releases dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that plays a role in pleasure, motivation, and reward. In his book, The Upward Spiral, Alex Korb writes that Serotonin is also released. Serotonin is believed to have relaxation and mood-stabilizing benefits. I’m not really a science gal, so learn more about Alex Korb here!
Gratitude can be difficult to warm up to. Especially if life has handed you more than your share of stressors. Often feelings of depression and anxiety overshadow the things that give us pleasure. If you struggle with difficult feelings, and find it hard to see the brighter side of your life right now, it might be helpful to meet with a therapist. A therapist can provide a safe place for you to work through the difficult thoughts and feelings fueling that pain. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out by using the form below.
