Do You Think About Your Thoughts?
“Thoughts can leave deeper scars than almost anything else”
Have you ever been so preoccupied with your thoughts that you do something, and barely recall doing it?. Let’s say you’re upset about a work situation and the drive home is a blur. On that ride home your mind replays what occurred in the office, or imagines what will happen the next day. All these thoughts take front stage and you can barely remember driving home. You are on autopilot while your mind is busy thinking about the past and/or future worries.
The event vs. the story of the event
If we take a step back, we might even admit that the thoughts about the problem are more problematic than the problem itself. For example, the thoughts might be “My boss should be nicer”, “I should have spoken up”, “I could lose my job”. These thoughts link together to create a story in our heads. A story that often gets far off course from the facts of the situation. Difficult emotions attached to the thought fuel the feelings, and alter the experience itself. How can we manage this cycle? How do we know if our thinking is off course?
Byron Katie’s “The Work”
Byron Katie is an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as “The Work”. You can check her out here. She reminds us that it is the story in our head that causes the suffering, not the reality we are dealing with. She created a system for questioning these thoughts through a written process. One that can ease the pain the story causes.
How Your Thoughts Hurt
On the surface, thoughts are harmless, aren’t they? The thought, “I could lose my job” is really just a thought. The problem happens when we believe the thought. Byron Katies says that it is the attachment to our thoughts that cause the suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing it is true without questioning it. Seeing events through fearful eyes rather than investigating the truth, can cause unnecessary suffering. Byron points out that if we continue to think difficult thoughts without question, they evolve into beliefs.
“Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process what is, rather than how you think it should be”
What’s the process?
Byron Katie’s method of self-inquiry includes four questions. She suggests that you write down in a journal a situation that is causing you pain. Focus on one thought that comes up for you within that situation. It might take a while to find it, or it might pop up right away. Write it down. Next, using the four questions, investigate that thought/belief.
The four questions are;
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?
Much like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Byron Katie’s work suggests that becoming aware of our thoughts and beliefs can be the first step in managing anxiety and depression. Taking those thoughts and deconstructing them for truth will facilitate healing from the pain they cause.
I love the power of question number three. It sheds light on the problem behavior; the one thing we can control. Often the answer to this question reveals difficult feelings that lead to more difficult thoughts. All these thoughts and feelings trigger unwanted behavior. By taking a step back in this way, it is often revealed that the behavior is in response to a false reality inside our heads.
Does ‘the work’ feel like too much work?
Don’t let it stress you out. It matters less HOW you question your thoughts and more just that you DO. When thoughts from a stressful event get stuck in your head, find a way that works for you to challenge the difference between the thoughts and the event. Russ Harris is the creator of Acceptance and Commitment therapy. He is quoted as saying, “The story is not the Event”. If you just take a moment to separate “the story” from “the event” you will feel a sense of relief.
For the example above, the event is a difficult workday. The story is all the speculation around it. By separating these two perspectives, we can find a way to better control both. Find out more about Russ Harris here. Again, the How is less important than the Do. Do question your thoughts. Do it because your thoughts often have more power over your feelings and behavior than they ought-to. This cycle often distorts reality and causes unnecessary suffering.
Your relationship with your thoughts is an important part of coping. This connection is often overlooked. Identifying these thoughts and challenging them can be difficult; change is hard. Psychotherapy can be useful to help guide you on this journey. Therapy provides a non-judgmental space for you to take an honest look at your relationship with yourself. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out, by using the form below.
