Why Self Esteem is Not The Problem
“In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you”
What is Self-Esteem?
Webster dictionary defines Self-Esteem as a “confidence and satisfaction in oneself.”. Most people talk about self-esteem as if it is a hierarchy, low self-esteem vs high self-esteem. They often think of it as an aspect of personality. One might say, “I have always struggled with low self-esteem”.
The problem with Self-Esteem
Dr. Kristin Neff is an assistant professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas. She lectures on self-esteem and how it requires viewing yourself in comparison with others. So “high self-esteem” means we are better and “low self-esteem” means we are worse. This exhausting process requires an ongoing judgment of self and everyone around you.
Be Better than others and Get that Goal!
Another popular approach to increasing self-esteem is setting goals and meeting them. Studies have shown this will contribute to a boost in mood and self-concept. Yet, these gains are often fleeting. Once we meet a goal we are off running to the next one. These are often outer accomplishments, very different from what we think of as emotional wellbeing. In other words, life is hard enough, without associating your worth with external outcomes. Dr. Neff suggests a better option ….. Self Compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion has nothing to do with obtaining goals or comparisons with others. Instead, it is dependent on how we relate to ourselves. It is love and kindness given to us no matter the circumstances. Self-compassion is not “high” or “low”, it just is. Whether you are having a good day or a bad day. It is the act of relating to yourself with kindness and acceptance.
“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms. ”
Self Compassion instead of Self Esteem?
Dr. Neff states, “We can learn to feel good about ourselves not because we’re special and above average, but because we’re human beings intrinsically worthy of respect.”. Check out her work here. Her research has shown that the practice of Self Compassion can improve wellbeing, regulate emotions and reduce feelings of anxiety and depression. In short, when we use self-compassion, we don’t have to rely on other people's opinions or goals to validate our worth.
The “how” of Self Compassion
The idea behind Self Compassion is kindness toward yourself. Leave behind the comparing and contrasting how you stack up around others. Ignore that idealized version of yourself who is striving to reach those goals. Instead, make efforts to embrace who you already are.
Notice what you say and do
Self-compassion requires a new frame of mind. We all have ongoing self-talk in our heads. More times than not, this dialogue is critical. We often say things to ourselves that we would never say to someone we love (“that was stupid”, “you messed up” etc.). Some people mistakenly believe this self-critical voice helps with motivation; kind of like a bossy coach. There is also a misconception that without this voice we will get lazy. Or that kindness turned inward is self-pity.
Stop Evaluating and Start Accepting
“Talk to yourself like someone you love”
Self-compassion is different from self-pity because it is kindness and gentleness rather than remorse. Research shows the kinder we talk to ourselves, the better we feel and the more we can accomplish. When we are able to meet our own emotional and concrete needs, we are better equipped to manage stress. It becomes easier to be fully present with others. In my view, self-compassion turns the volume of fear down, so that love can be heard.
Self Compassion Exercises
Try these exercises from the Self Compassion Deck to start you on your way. You can check the card deck out here.
When you hear the self-critical voice within, try saying out loud, “Thanks for the input, but I can handle this”
Give yourself credit for a small thing you did last week- how can you keep that going?
What are three things you can be happy about right now?
Notice an unpleasant feeling, allow it in-without judgment and let it go
Square Breathing- inhale 4 counts, exhale 4 counts, inhale 4 counts, exhale 4
What old story is stuck in your head? Can you write a more compassionate version?
Give yourself credit for a time you did something brave.
Self-care- set time aside each day to do something meaningful for you.
Buy or pick flowers for yourself, like you would a good friend (or other kind acts).
Find a kind affirmation to say to yourself daily.
Self Compassion Exercises by Kristin Neff
For more involved Self Compassion exercises, try these created by Dr. Neff by clicking here.
By letting go of the need to be perfect, or even above average, we make room for self-compassion. You already know how to do this. Using love and kindness toward a loved one or a pet is the same concept. We instinctively know how to extend compassion and kindness to others. Often it is much more difficult to treat ourselves the same way. With some practice, we can learn to turn that sunshine inward. Done often enough, we can change how we view ourselves and the world around us.
