Why Do I feel Stuck? | Trauma On Repeat
Why do I feel stuck?- The Repetition Compulsion
Recently I was having lunch with a friend, a fellow therapist. We were sitting together reflecting on the many ways our lives had taken twists and turns. I was lamenting about the behaviors I would like to start, but can’t seem to do so. She was sharing regret over behaviors she never intended to happen, but did. We reflected on how we see similar dynamics with our clients.
“The mind replays what the heart can’t delete”
Clients seem to report patterns not only in their own life, but throughout generations. Things like teen pregnancy, addiction, sexual abuse and countless other issues seem to tragically be on repeat for many families.
WHAT IS Repetition Compulsion?
My friend and I sat with the heaviness. We have studied and worked with human behavior our whole adult lives and still seem dumbfounded by what we see, both in our own lives and the people we serve. “Why does this happen?” she asked, voicing what I was also on my mind. But no one knows for sure, and in fact this is not a new problem.
All the way back to Sigmond Freud days there has been a quest to explain behavior that seems drastically ineffective. He used a term called RepetitionCompulsion to describe this phenomenon. Freud explained that it is a tendency to unconsciously repeat past traumatic experiences or difficult situations.
“When all you know is fight or flight, red flags and butterflies all feel the same”
A mild example of repetition compulsion is when a person finds that they are often attracted to partners similar in temperament or behavior to their early childhood caregiver. They often do this without consciously understanding why they are drawn to certain people. The dots are hard to connect because it is an unconscious process. In many ways, it looks more like fate, chance or just plain bad luck to them.
Defining the problem
As Freud discovered the problem appears to be that we recreate what we know rather than what is healthy or best for our wellbeing. There is a deep unconscious need that drives this behavior. Often that behavior was created in early childhood for a good reason, it helped us manage the stress or turmoil. The problem is that later in life, that same way of being no longer serves us and is often ineffective. A good example of this is “people pleasing” behavior. In early childhood this could have been a way to cope with dominating parental energy, with perhaps no other way to respond to ensure safety/survival. As that person evolves into adulthood that “people pleasing” response remains, but may not fit the new circumstances, likely causing a whole set of new problems.
He theorized that this stems from an unconscious need to reenact or relive experiences from the past. This is perhaps a way to gain mastery over them and find resolution. The reasons for the behavior is still unclear because it is a complex and individualized process. Although it is counterintuitive it somehow makes sense to me that people can often be drawn to situations in an attempt to heal.
“What we change inwardly will change our outer reality”
Additionally, what I have come to learn is that trauma changes how we view ourselves or the world. It creates a negative belief system that we unconsciously carry with us into choices and relationships after the trauma. For example, someone who has been through trauma may develop the negative belief “I’m not good enough”, “I don’t matter” or “I’m not safe” and they then make choices that lead to patterns which validate that belief.
What Helps Treat Repetition Compulsion?
Most people understandably avoid working on deeper unconscious issues. They instead look outward for the cause of the problem. This is something that we all do most of the time. It is a defense mechanism because self reflection takes effort and courage. Ironically, it is your own experience and reaction that is within your control. You are less likely to impact others' attitudes or behavior. So the path to true healing and change requires inward unpacking and reflection.
With the help of a therapist you can turn toward the pattern and use the following approaches to improve your sense of control.
Self Awareness/Self Acceptance - Recognize and acknowledge the patterns that are repeating in your life. Author and poet, Yung Pueblo recommends asking yourself “Is this how I want to feel or is it my emotional history trying to recreate the past”.
Explore The Past - Using talk therapy you can start to shine a light on the origins of the patterns in your life. This might involve exploring family dynamics, childhood experiences and past traumas.
Emotional Processing - Through EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization reprocessing) you can go back to the memories that are causing stress, feel the emotions and redefine what that memory means in the narrative of your life.
Develop healthy coping strategies - We all lean on both healthy and unhealthy coping strategies. Working with a therapist to learn and implement new skills can be very helpful. Things like communication skills, assertiveness, stress management and self-care practices to name a few, can make a big difference.
Set Boundaries - Learning to set limits with other people is an essential part of building a supportive foundation to make healthy decisions. This also means setting boundaries with your own behavior too.
Self Compassion - Being kind to yourself when you succeed or slip up can build emotional resilience and a softer stance to changing behavior.
No matter what you have experienced in your life you don’t have to carry it alone. Finding a friend, family member or therapist to help hold space as you process feelings and to validate your experience can make all the difference.
If you struggle with difficult patterns and past trauma, it might be helpful to meet with a therapist. A therapist can provide a safe place for you to work through the difficult thoughts and feelings fueling that pattern. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out by clicking the button below.
