Self Care For An Empty Nester
“There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one.”
Confessions of an Empty Nester
When I picked an argument with my husband I didn’t realize it was displaced emotions. College drop off for my son was the following week, and I guess I was overcome with loneliness that I couldn’t place. Actually, it was worse than loneliness, I was feeling lost. My last adult child would be leaving home. What does this mean for me? What does this mean for my marriage? The profound fear and loss was confusing. Isn’t this a happy occasion?
RANGE OF EMOTIONS ASSOCIATED WITH A NEW EMPTY NESTER
When our daughter went off to college 5 years ago, it was as though my spouse and I were high-fiving each other on what a success we were as parents. With the launch of my son, the last to leave, it caused us to feel as though we were waving goodbye to a part of ourselves. A part we would never really get back.
Then the guilt set in. Why did I focus on so many of the wrong things? What would life be like if I could go back in time and make a few changes? The grief, loss, and guilt caught me by surprise. Like a storm that comes out of nowhere and catches you unprepared.
The guilt came as a surprise not only by its presence but because it came from so many different directions. Yeah, there were countless decisions I wish I could get back and do over. There were so many ways I could have expressed my love but didn’t. A part of me shamed myself for being so sad. “Think of all the people who have it worse” I heard my inner voice say. As a therapist, I know all too well the depths of despair and the profound suffering in the world. How does my life transition warrant this type of reaction? The self-criticism sets in “Don’t you know other people have real problems?”, “So many people would trade places with what you are viewing as a crisis!”, “Get yourself together!”, “What’s wrong with you?”.
REACHING OUT FOR HELP
“Having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness”
I did what I often do when sadness sets in. I reach for my go-to coping. I search for books on related topics and look for expertise advice, I pray and I plead to the universe for guidance. It is strange how in times of need, the right blog post, book or podcast finds you in just the right moment.
The book that helped me through this is Real Self Care by Pooja Lakshmin. Dr. Lakshmin is a psychiatrist and you can check out her bio HERE.
Dr. Lakshmin’s book shares a deeper understanding of self-care. She talks about how our current culture trivializes self-care by focusing mostly on what we “do”. When therapists talk to clients it usually starts with questions like “What do you like to do?”, “What are your hobbies?”, “What gives you energy?”. Her point is well taken that this oversimplifies self-care, and sets people up for disappointment when that yoga class or hot bath doesn’t transform their mood. In her book, these things are labeled “faux self-care”.
Real Self-Care
The opposite of “Faux self care” is “Real self-care”. “Faux” self-care is described as temporary while “Real” self-care is more transformative.
“When you say “yes” to others make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself”
To be life changing, her concept of “Real” self-care has four core principles;
Set boundaries and confront feelings of guilt which leads to less stress and more self-acceptance.
Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. There are self-boundaries needed to stop bullying yourself and second-guessing choices.
Connection with your core values that help to bring you closer to goals. The goals may come and go, but the values provide a compass to guide how you live your life.
When I applied these principles to my life during this difficult time, they provided the gentle guidance I needed. Setting boundaries around my needs at the time was crucial. For more information about healthy boundaries, check out Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Find out more about Nedra Glover Tawwab HERE.
Letting go of the guilt around setting these boundaries, helped me to ease how I spoke to myself. She suggested using the response “Ouch!” to yourself when your internal voice gets critical. I was placing verbal Band-Aids all over the place, and eventually traded that tone for a soothing inner voice.
Let Values Lead the Way WHEN COPING WITH BEING A NEW EMPTY NESTER
“Core values serve as a lighthouse when the fog of life seems to leave you wandering in circles.”
I think most important for me was reflecting on my core values, and reminding myself how fluid the details of those values can be. For instance, if my core value is family and I feel grief that I am no longer living out the role of a parent of children; exploring other ways to express that value can be healing. I will no longer be making nightly family dinners, doing drop-offs, endless laundry, or shotgun ride-a-longs with new drivers…. But I can pour energy into a new way of being with my adult children. I can also expand my scope and spend more time with my mother, sister, and other family members or even pour that love into friendships. Your values might not change much over your lifetime but the way they are expressed can be altered at different life stages. “Seasons” as they call them, are each beautiful in their own way. If you are curious about your own values, try this online free personal values assessment by clicking the button below.
COPING WITH ANY OF LIFES TRANSITIONS
No matter what the circumstances of your life transition are, resilience starts with a shift in focus. It's a subtle shift from the actual event to how I cope with the actual event. This change can refocus your attention and provide momentum to make positive changes. When you think about it, the event is over and done … The only thing you can really change is your response to the event.
No matter what you are facing, you don’t have to do it alone. Finding a friend, family member or therapist to help hold space as you process feelings and validate your experience can make all the difference. If you struggle with difficult feelings, and find it hard to see a way forward, it might be helpful to meet with a therapist. A therapist can provide a safe place for you to work through the difficult thoughts and feelings fueling that pain. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out by using the form below.
