How To See Past The Hurt Feelings In Relationships
“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.”
Are you confused about a particular relationship? Is it causing you pain?
When you are hurting in relationships, thoughts and feelings can spin in your mind. Lots of times, these thoughts and feelings remain behind the scene, while you go about your life. This can drain you of emotional energy and cause difficult feelings.
Why does this happen?
These feelings are uncomfortable and bothersome. You might make an effort to suppress them. The thoughts are also something you try to control. Often resulting in a self-critical narrative.
Sometimes the truth of the situation is more obvious and you feel ok. Other times you might get sucked back into a self-critical story, which makes it hard to cope.
What Can I do about this?
We do our best to avoid it, but it is important to notice all the thoughts, feelings, and facts related to the relationship. This helps to validate feelings, uncover faulty thinking and put the focus on what matters.
Is there a way to make this simple?
Heather Ash Amara created the Warrior Heart Practice exercise, in her book by the same name. This is a simple (not easy) practice that guides your mind/body awareness to find the totality of a situation. When used in a sincere way, it can guide you from feelings of pain and confusion to a place of clarity. Check out her book here!
How does it work?
It does this by helping to untangle the thoughts and feelings that become embedded in the relationship. The practice is based on the four chambers of the heart. She draws from Toltec wisdom and psychotherapy practices, allowing the potential for emotional clarity and healing in difficult relationships.
Here’s a summary for you...
With curiosity and compassion, guide yourself through the following areas.
The Warrior Heart Practice
Feelings Chamber of the Heart -
Taking time to accept the feelings embedded in the situation, without fighting or judging them. Consciously sitting with the physical sensations of these feelings and emotions. Naming the feelings and emotions can be a powerful experience.
Story Chamber of the Heart -
Bear witness to the stories you are telling yourself, leaning into the fears and doubts. Hearing them said out loud, or written down can provide insight and clarity to deeply held beliefs getting in the way of the experience.
Truth Chamber of the Heart -
Untangle the feelings from the story and see some truth. With an objective glance the reality of the situation can be thoughtfully examined and honored.
Intent Chamber of the Heart -
Define and focus on the intention for the situation. Formulate a focused commitment for a new perspective.
Is that it?
The last part of the Warrior Heart Practice is where the healing begins. Emotional space is given to the insight gained from the four chambers. With a new perspective, you go back through the chambers and honor a different way of viewing the relationship.
Still not sure how that helps?
Here is a simple comparison… In some ways it can be likened to that feeling you get when you declutter an area of your home. That cluttered area has been unconsciously nagging at you and maybe even draining your energy. You can ignore it and go about your life, or you can face it directly.
When you take action and actually go through all the clutter, inspecting what is worth keeping and what you want to get rid of, you can end up feeling satisfied and more in control. That cluttered area no longer drains your energy, and might even provide a new feeling of accomplishment.
“ When we bring our attention back to discovering who we are on the inside—not who we wish we were or who we think we should be—we begin a sacred path of transformation toward our innate, authentic, embodied power. This is the path of the Warrior.”
Yup, Simple but not easy.
It takes courage to take an honest assessment of a painful relationship. There might be very difficult feelings underneath. Lots of people need support to tackle this.
Is there some emotional clutter causing you pain?
Psychotherapy can be valuable in situations like this. A therapist, like myself, will listen to you without judgement, providing space for you to take an honest look at difficult thoughts and feelings. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out by using the form below.
