Attachment Comes in Many Styles
“We’re only as needy as their unmet needs”
What is Attachment Theory?
John Bowlby, an English psychiatrist in the 1950s created the Theory of Attachment. He was interested in how early childhood interaction influences development. His research showed that the emotional attachments of young children impact the foundation of emotional development. This is widely accepted now but was a fundamental shift back in that time period.
He next teamed up with Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist in the 70s to further study the specific attachment styles of children. Mary Ainsworth created the “strange situation” study, where a child, caregiver, and a stranger were placed in a structured situation and observed. This study revealed patterns of the child’s reaction toward both the caregiver and the stranger. Read more about the “Strange Situation” here.
“To be human is to need others, and this is no flaw or weakness”
One of the many important takeaways from Attachment Theory is the understanding that the behavior a child displayed toward an adult caregiver in childhood, is often consistent with social behaviors later in life. Meaning that this early childhood attachment to our primary caregiver provides an emotional blueprint that we take into adulthood. We use this expectation and apply it to most other interactions. If you are wondering about your type… take the quiz by clicking the button below.
How?
What are the four child/adult
Attachment Styles?
Secure Attachment
You had your needs met as a child. Your caregivers were attentive and responsive to those needs. They helped you feel safe and cared for. You now feel comfortable getting and staying close to others. You seek and maintain close, stable relationships. You feel comfortable sharing feelings and needs with others. Summary: It is easy for Secure’s to feel warm and loving.
Avoidant Attachment
Your caregivers were probably distant, cold, or unresponsive. This made you become more independent and self-sufficient. You learned not to depend on others. Close relationships now feel uncomfortable, like they are causing you to lose some independence. Intimacy can often feel too intense. You need a lot of time to yourself and resist commitment. The summary struggle for Avoidants is that intimacy equals a threat to independence.
Anxious Attachment
Your caregivers were inconsistent in meeting your needs. Because of this, you fear not getting your needs met. You desire intimacy and can never get enough of it. You often question if your partner really loves you or whether you're loveable and need constant reassurance. You have been described as “needy” or “clingy”. Attention and security are important to you but can lead to pushing others away. The main worry, “Will my partner love me back”.
Disorganized Attachment
This style is usually the result of abuse and neglect. It is the extreme fear of intimacy and an inability to trust other people. You have a hard time managing your mood. You may disassociate or feel confused, numb, and have trouble understanding how to respond to people in relationships.
Check out this informative video about the different styles…
You will like it … it’s a cartoon!
“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become”
Why Does It Matter
We often blame others for failed relationships. If we do look inward, we usually take a very narrow view, likely around the details of what took place. Taking a wider look to see relationship patterns can be helpful. In many ways, our history of parent-child attachment informs our expectations in adult romantic relationships. Said another way, our own personal history of either met/unmet needs can be informing perceptions of the present. This affects not only who we choose to be intimate with, but how we act within that relationship.
If you have ever listened to Dr. Laura Schlesslinger on XM radio you have probably heard her comment about the foundation of a secure relationship, “Choose wisely, treat kindly”. See more about Dr. Laura here.
It is a very simple, yet difficult concept. The “choose wisely” part might be where Attachment Theory comes into play. For example, an Anxiously attached person might choose an Avoidant to date/marry. The approach-retreat dynamic between this sort of couple reinforces both roles. The Avoidant partner can never quite meet the Anxious partner’s need for attention and closeness. This validates the Anxious partner's belief system of abandonment and unworthiness.
“Feeling close and complete with someone else— The emotional equivalent of finding a home”
What can I do about it?
Awareness is the first step. By exploring how your relationship with your early caregiver puts a dark shadow on your current relationship, you gain insight. By being intentional with not only who you choose but how you act; the building blocks of a secure attachment can be found. Like Dr. Laura’s advice mentioned above, “Choose wisely, treat Kindly”.
How to become more securely attached?
We can make progress toward changing our attachment style. What is somewhat surprising, is that the work to be done is more focused on the little things rather than the big things. Dr. Amir Levine, the author of the book, Attached, identifies ways to build a secure attachment through five pillars. These are Consistency, Availability, Reliability, Responsiveness and Predictability. By focusing on these values within a relationship, both people can stay emotionally engaged, improving a sense of safety and stability. It is not about grand gestures, it is the small everyday interactions of supporting and nurturing the sense of stability in the relationship. For more on Dr. Amir Levine look here.
The growth isn’t only within the relationships though. Finding a deeper understanding of your own personal perceptions and where they misalign is an important part of the process. This can quiet the inner turmoil that contributes to relationship misunderstandings. This combination of self-awareness and relationship attentiveness can help heal past attachment issues.
Your early childhood relationship influences how you view the world and interact with others. This connection can often be overlooked. Identifying these patterns and challenging them can be difficult; change is hard. Psychotherapy can be useful to help guide you on this journey. Therapy provides a non-judgmental space for you to take an honest look at your relationship with yourself. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out, by using the form below.
