Are You Mad at Me? ADHD & RSD
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
“ADHD is not so much a disorder of attention as it is a disorder of self-regulation”
Some of the smartest people I know are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). It is a complicated disorder, often seriously misunderstood. Most people perceive it as a school-related issue. They might unfairly see it as a type of learning challenge. Much of the focus is on inattentiveness and hyperactivity. These are things that certainly challenge the ADHD brain, but they can overshadow other equally important symptoms.
Kristen Carder, certified life coach identifies five domains of ADHD; impulsivity, emotional self-control, time blindness, distractibility, and instant gratification. Overwhelming right? The symptoms can become so tangled up in a person's sense of self, it makes it hard to see it as something separate. Check out more about Kristen Carder HERE!
What ADHD Can Look Like
With lots of misinformation about AHDH, it is crucial to understand the signs so can get proper treatment and your life isn't disrupted. Take a look at some of the common signs below and on the image to the right.
Hyperactivity
Impulsivity
Inattention
“Self-regulation will always be a challenge, but if somebody’s going to be in charge, it might as well be me.”
Emotional Regulation
& ADHD
It seems that the least talked about and the most painful symptom of this disorder is the emotional symptoms. In therapy, we call this emotional regulation. For more information on emotional regulation and ADHD check out this video.
People with ADHD struggle with what is called emotional hyperarousal. They are passionate about things and this can lead to intense thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Let's not confuse this with an “overreaction”. The experience is painfully real to them, with a felt sense that the emotions are both extreme and accurate. Given that impulsivity is already present for this person, out-of-control behaviors can be easily triggered and often follow close behind. Shame, guilt, and sadness can be quick to follow, causing a cycle of pain and suffering.
What is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria?
When we dig deeper into emotional ADHD symptoms we find something called, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Usually you will hear it abbreviated as “RSD”. CHADD defines RSD as:
“Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an intense vulnerability to the perception – not necessarily the reality – of being rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in your life. RSD causes extreme emotional pain that may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing to meet either your own high standards or others’ expectations”.
Check out this interesting CHADD article on RSD by clicking the button below!
The wrong way to cope with RDS…
“I can’t tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone”
A person with ADHD will often find ways to manage some of the academic challenges by using behavioral techniques or medication but is often left to manage intense emotions with less success. In an effort to control the discomfort of being criticized or judged they may lean toward “people pleasing” to try to limit the pain. Managing other people’s perceptions is not only an impossible task, but it creates a disconnect from their own needs/wants or concerns. This can lead to feelings of emptiness and isolation.
Playing it safe is another way that one might cope with the pain of RDS. This is a reluctance to take risks or try anything new unless they can depend on a perfect outcome. “Perfect” is an important word here. RDS will motivate people to strive at all costs for validation from others. It leads to an achievement-driven life with the ultimate goal that is unsatisfying and more importantly unattainable. Perfectionist thought patterns lead to self-criticism and shame.
A Better way to cope with RDS
The ADHD brain is sensitive to emotion and this can cause misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Tracy Otsuka created the podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women. You can learn more about her here https://www.tracyotsuka.com/
Tracy Otsuka recommends several steps in managing the symptoms of RSD. The first step is to learn who and what triggers the experience of RSD. Is it comments about your intelligence, physical appearance, abilities, weaknesses, or behavior? Know this “what” and notice the “who”. RDS can be repeatedly triggered by parents, spouses, employers, or friends. The first important step is to notice how it unfolds for you. Is there a predictable pattern?
She also recommends finding your “Gold Star Resources”. These are the people, things, and activities that can support you through it. This might be by providing an emotionally safe place to reflect on which parts of your experience are true, and which part might be real but less true. Some of her examples of “Gold Star resources” are listed below…
Trusted Friends
Family members
Coach/therapist
Mentor
Journaling
Exercise
Nature (walking, gardening, pets)
Essential Oils
Mindfulness
Meditation
RSD is overwhelming. It causes emotional instability, making it difficult to think clearly. Sounds too simple, but another way to cope is SELF-CARE. Change the focus from outward to inward. You might remove yourself from the triggering situation and find a way to gain back comfort. This means tending to the stress in your body, finding a way to relax and embrace the safety of the moment. Be nice to yourself! Through actions and in words.
When calm and centered take a minute to evaluate the situation. This means separating the thoughts from the feelings. When thoughts and feelings get knotted up together it is difficult to have a healthy perspective.
ADHD can be overwhelming. It impacts every aspect of a person’s life. Psychotherapy can be useful to help find ways to cope. A therapist can be that “gold star resource” to help you take a brave look at your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. If you are looking for this type of support, or have any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out, by using the form below.
